The Worry Free Life

Introduction

A Personal Word from Pat

This book is the product of two profound periods of growth in my life. Before I became a practicing Christian, I was very involved in the sport of Soaring. I had learned to fly sailplanes at the age of 12 and soloed at 14. I went on to become a flight instructor and the manager of a glider port when I was 23. Racing was always an ambition and becoming a national champion was a lifetime dream. By my late thirties I had acquired a state-of-the-art racing sailplane and was actively pursuing my dream. But I paid a price. It cost me everything I had and left no time for my wife, children or anybody else. My only goal was to be the best in the nation.

I did reasonably well in regional competitions, winning my share of races and gaining a reputation as one of the better pilots around. When I competed nationally, however, I always managed to sabotage myself by doing something too aggressive, sending my score tumbling down to the bottom of the list. I had everything invested in my championship aspirations: all my disposable income, all my free time, my Image of myself, and the belief that my self-worth was dependent upon my achievements. Winning a race would leave me feeling great for about 24 hours. Losing a race would leave me depressed for months. I had a great career, a beautiful wife, good friends, but none of that satisfied me. I had to win the national title; there was no other choice. Life was just too meaningless and unbearable without that goal to pursue.

So, in an act of desperation one day, after recovering from a couple months of depression, I opened the phone book to psychologists and found an ad mentioning “Sport Psychology.” I had been watching the Olympics that year and learned that most of the Olympic teams were using psychologists. That is how I met Dr. Terry Sandbek.

Terry began to teach me the skills of cognitive behavioral psychology. His techniques were based on 25 years of clinical research using proven clinical therapies. These techniques have been shown to help with depression, anxiety, anger, eating disorders, phobias, as well as performance enhancing sports psychology and high performance business and sales techniques. The basic premise has been around for centuries: How you think determines how you feel, which in turn leads to corresponding behaviors and consequences. Jesus knew exactly how our minds work when he remarked: “It is the thought life that defiles you.” Carrying a tape recorder with me in the cockpit, I spent countless hours recording and writing about my thoughts and emotions while flying and racing. I began to learn what made me “tick.” Some of the revelations were so absurd that I would laugh out loud when I would play back the tapes and hear what had been going through my mind during critical stress situations. I began to learn that I was quite a different person in my thought life than I was on the surface.

The results were phenomenal. Not only did I begin flying better but also I began enjoying it more. I was much more relaxed, more in control. The temptation to “react” was tempered by a more contemplative and consequence oriented type of thinking. I was on my way to winning the nationals—or so I thought.

It was becoming apparent to me that these tools had great potential to help people in all kinds of situations: relationships, work, addictions, behavioral problems, anxiety and depression. It was also at this time that I discovered Terry had a second graduate degree from Fuller Theological Seminary in Pasadena, California. He began to share his faith with me, even encouraging me to read a couple of books by C. S. Lewis. It all sounded very interesting but I never applied any of it to my personal life, nor could I bring myself to go to church. I was still “holding it together” and didn’t feel the need to do any of that kind of work in my personal life. I could not have been more wrong.

In 1994, I was “flying” high! I felt more in control of my life than I ever had. But I had no moral compass to guide me with my newly found power. I had a divorce that was so costly that it seriously hampered my ability to race—the one thing I really lived for. I began drinking more than was good for me. I tried to escape my inner pain with tobacco, booze, TV, and other distractions. I was really trying to escape the haunting emptiness inside. I hastily remarried and had a child on the way by 1995. By 1998, I had two wonderful baby boys, and I was a WRECK, heading rapidly into a death spiral. My marriage was horrible. We had little or no nurturing communication. There was a lot of screaming, a lot of drinking, and an ever-increasing sense of hopelessness. I saw my sons facing a future in a broken home, living out the same dysfunctional patterns I had suffered. I had visions of their poor little lives being condemned to the same bondage that was shackling me.

I will never forget the morning my wife approached me and decisively told me it was over. I cannot adequately describe the sense of horror that overtook me. I felt abandoned, rejected, unlovable, unforgivable, hopeless and very, very alone!

I was in Hell. My second marriage was now a shipwreck. I couldn’t even allow myself to drink or escape in any of the old familiar ways. I knew that my drinking days were over for good, but I could not find a way out of this terrible abyss. After six months with no relief in sight, and out of sheer desperation, I began to pray the only prayer I knew: the Lord’s Prayer.

Slowly things began to change. After a couple of months, I mustered up the courage to walk into church. Except for weddings and funerals, I hadn’t been to a church service in decades. Even as I parked my car that day, I had doubts as to whether or not this was a good idea. Would it turn out to be just as dead to me as the church I remembered as a little boy? How had it come to this? Maybe I wasn’t good enough to be one of these people. They will see right through me. What the hell was I thinking?

During that first service, I couldn’t hold back the pain any longer, and I cried deeply for the first time ever. I felt as though loving arms were being thrown around me and a warm blanket of peace and comfort seemed to be draped around my shoulders. I also felt the kind of approval and love I had always longed for from my own father, a love he had never been able to provide. I realized that God had always been there and was just waiting for me to accept him into my life. I was loved the way I always thought love should be. There was no judgment nor guilt, nor condemnation; in fact, it was just the opposite. I felt as if someone in heaven was actually throwing a party celebrating my return home. On the drive home that day, the world was very, different. Colors were brighter, the horizon was wider, and I felt a sense of belonging and being loved. I felt hopeful and excited. I felt worthy! That was the first day of my life in Christ, a spiritual journey which has given me a great new life. That big old empty hole in my soul was now filled back up with love.

I began attending a recovery group at a local church. It wasn’t the usual AA twelve-step program. They used the twelve steps but with a decidedly different twist. The facilitators insisted that each week we “step” a topic that had been bugging us that week. We were prodded into going as deeply as possible into what we were actually thinking and feeling when the event took place. It was then I realized that they were doing a form of the cognitive psychology that Dr. Sandbek had taught me ten years before. I refreshed myself in his principles and practices, bringing them into that small group.. The rapid pace of my spiritual, emotional, and character growth was phenomenal. I began to feel hopeful, joyful, strong, and faithful. Life was a wonderful adventure again, full of limitless possibilities. Best of all, I fell more deeply in love with God than I could ever have imagined was possible. Anxiety, depression, a sense of worthlessness, all became virtually unfamiliar in my life. Old resentments were replaced with forgiveness and love. I replaced guilt with self-forgiveness and a hunger to learn as much as I could by taking on newer and more exciting challenges and risks.

As I read through Terry’s material again, I realized that what he had taught me dovetailed perfectly with the Scriptures. In fact, the principles seemed to come right out of Scripture. To this day, I think he subconsciously developed his techniques because of his faith and his life-long love for God, even though on the surface his techniques were secular.

A Personal Word from Terry

Soon after Pat began teaching his life skills class in the church, he asked me if I would be willing to help him put together the materials I taught him when we were working on his flying problem. We gathered all the handouts, worksheets, and extra materials together to design a ten-week course. After adding projector slides for each lesson, Pat began introducing the material.

The response was overwhelming. When word got out about this new class, the class size tripled. Class members found that this class was not one where they were expected to just attend, sit, listen, speak and go home. The material emphasized skills that the class members were expected to practice during the following week. Near the end of each class, the group was broken down into small groups with facilitators chosen and trained by Pat. This was the time to share the previous week’s homework and prepare for the new material for the coming week.

Not only did the class participants enjoy this new approach to a small group, they began to report unexpected changes in their lives. One class member was so depressed, that prior to taking the class, he could not summon the energy to complete his resume and look for a job. Halfway through the class, he reported he had been looking actively for a job the entire week. His depression had begun to lift because of the skills he was learning.

Development of the Method Used in this Book

When I finished graduate school, CBT was in its infancy and was one of several different choices I had to use with my clients. I found that the more I used it, the more effective I became as a therapist. I also found that most, but all, of my clients did not want to just talk. They wanted me to show them how to gain more control over their thoughts, feelings, and behavior. My initial clientele were people with panic disorder and people who had eating disorders (I eventually wrote a self-help book for people with eating disorders called, The Deadly Diet). Today, I use CBT with almost any problem people bring to my office.

One day, twenty years ago, a client of mine asked, “Let me get this right. You are trying to get me to change my mind—which is filled with negative thoughts—to get rid of all the negative thoughts in my mind?” I was taken aback because it appeared as if I were teaching this person how to make progress by running in a circle.

Another class member talked about the success she was having with her teenage daughter. Their communication had improved dramatically since she began implementing her new-found skills. Each week more people would share success stories of how God was now able to work more effectively in their lives because the emotional and mental roadblocks were being removed that had stood between them and God.

For a year and a half, each new class was filled to capacity. Word began to circulate around the church that this class was life saving and life giving. People were discovering that the class taught them how to change their lived Christianity. People told us that sermons and Bible reading had helped them to know what to do to improve their walk with God. The class showed them how to do it.

The foundation for the classes was based on the integration of cognitive psychology and positive psychology. These two fields are new in the history of psychology and have excellent research attesting to their ability to offer effective skills for people who desire to change. The three foundations upon which the material stood were the Bible, cognitive psychology and positive psychology.

After several series of classes, Pat mentioned to me that we should put this material into a book so that more people could have access to the material. The stunning life changes we had been seeing made this a reasonable idea. Since I was already gathering material for a new edition of my book, The Deadly Diet, and was writing the outline for a new book on worry, this suggestion fit my mental state.

The further we proceeded in writing this book, the more excited I became that we were creating a resource for Christians desiring to further their walk with God. A psychologist professor of mine told me that many people struggle with their faith because they have personal issues blocking their access to God’s grace. The ministry of psychology is to help people identify and remove these internal obstructions.

In addition to the many fine Christian books already written, this book offers specific skills to guide people in tearing these obstructions down in order to experience the abundant life. My hope and prayer for each of you reading this book is that the Holy Spirit will help you access the power in these spiritual tools that have rejuvenated the Christian walk that many before you have traveled.

By beginning this book, you are starting a new life’s journey. You’ll be traveling to places known only in your dreams up until now. Maybe you dream of living a happier life. Perhaps you want a life in which you can deal more successfully with all the trials that have blocked your path. Possibly, you watch and envy others who appear to handle difficulties better than you. As you stand at the station watching others go by into distant lands you might believe these wondrous destinations are forbidden to you. There remains a desperate ache deep within you wondering where God’s grace is for you.

You can read many excellent Christian books (see the appendix for suggestions). Many of them describe the details and glories of the destination. For some readers, just knowing where to go is enough because their instincts tell them how to get there. However, many readers yearn to reach this destination but don’t have the skills to begin or continue the journey. They need a road map.

A Road Map

This book provides such a map. Since simply knowing where to go is not enough, we show you how to get there.. The marriage of Christianity and cognitive psychology drives this book.. The Bible teaches us what to do with our lives while cognitive psychology shows us how to do it.

This journey involves two parts: Learning how to get rid of the old baggage and then replacing it with something new. Your old baggage includes worry, destructive emotional pain and counterproductive behaviors. Another word for this old baggage is “habit.” You may have learned many of your old maladaptive habits in childhood because they were functional—they worked for you in that time and place. These early ways of coping made you feel safe; they were the best you could do as a child. Even now, as an adult, your mind may throw you into automatic pilot so that you react according to childhood patterns without realizing it. Christian maturity is about learning to use new skills that provide more effective ways of handling life.

Your Personal Traveling Kit

These skills are not magic. They give you new options for creating a life of joy and peace. They will not solve all your problems—they are a set of tools in your personal travel kit. Life does not always cooperate with your journey. Sometimes the process of change is very slow. Patience is critical. Change does not happen like a light bulb going on. Ask others who care about you to help you be patient.

Often during the change process, people come to the conclusion, “I must have something personally wrong with me.” Just because you need this book to help you change your life does not mean that you are emotionally or morally defective. We all need to learn how to live better. As with anything else in life, some people learn quickly and easily, others more slowly and with more difficulty. You may have competencies in other areas that other people do not have. You are now going to learn an additional way of being competent.

Avoiding self judgment is an important waypoint in your life journey. God has filled your core being with essential goodness. This core self might be difficult to reach because of your historical baggage. The trip is easier if you leave your historical baggage behind.

Another comment we hear often is how alone people feel with relation to a specific personal problem. Chances are that many people struggle with the same problems that plague your life. We give many examples in this book of real people who have conquered the very same difficulty you might now think insurmountable. Reading about these people will help you feel less alone.

Losing Your Old Baggage

When you begin to move toward your new life, you may have some uncomfortable feelings about your progress. For instance, you may be overcome with sadness. This makes sense. Loss of the old baggage is a common experience for the many people who have taken this journey ahead of you, and any kind of loss can bring sorrow. Mourning the loss of your old life style is okay. You are leaving what seems like a familiar friend because these habits were always there to comfort you. Many of us have had friends during our lifetime who were not good for us. They may have eroded our sense of self, discouraged positive personal growth, or even urged us to go down the wrong life path. Feeling sadness over the loss of something familiar is perfectly normal even when it’s necessary. You might even need to spend time grieving over this loss. This can be a healthy activity because grieving helps you move forward by healing the pain.

Moving forward, rather than backwards or sideways, gives you more opportunity to invest your time and energy in God’s grace. Shedding your old ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving precedes replacing them with more constructive ways for coping with life. This involves three agendas: switching from worry to concern; moving from unhealthy emotional pain to healthy emotional pain; and substituting healthy behaviors for old destructive behaviors.

Continuing to engage life in automatic pilot mode slows new learning. Almost everyone we work with has to confront their habits continually when learning new life skills. Falling back into old habits whenever you feel uncomfortable is normal. Discomfort prompts the brain to find the quickest and easiest solution for feeling better. Your old habits fill this need quite nicely. Lots of practice is necessary to learn how to use your new skills. Unfortunately new skills do not make you feel better as quickly as your old habits do. Repetition helps to overcome this problem. The more you practice your new skills—especially when you have no need to do so—the more you speed up your progress.

Your goal is not to eliminate all the uncomfortable feelings in your life. Even if you could do this, it would not be good for you. We all need to learn how to live with healthy discomfort. God has built this into your brain to notify you that you need to make some kind of change in your life. When you follow this lead, you are going to find that you have taken another step toward more grace. If you never felt healthy pain, then something would be drastically wrong with your life.

Resiliency

The first part of the book explains that eliminating your life problems is not what brings you peace of mind—it is how you handle these problems. Psychologists call this ability to respond to overwhelming life events by the term resiliency.¹

We want to help increase your resiliency to life’s dilemmas and traumas. Research has shown very convincingly (with a few narrow exceptions) that your life circumstances do not bring you personal joy and inner peace. This holds true across all cultures. It is not what happens to you on the outside but how you respond to it on the inside that can make all the difference.

Of course, developing resiliency takes time. How long depends on the temperament you were born with and your willingness to practice your new skills. Practice does not require that you succeed every time. Practice involves many trial and error ventures. You can always practice too little, but never too much.

You are on a mission to dump the old habits and to become proficient in as many new habits as you can. That is an incredibly powerful notion for experiencing the joy of Christ. Remember: It is not simple. It is not easy. But it is possible.

Using A Grace Partner

The most successful way to use this book is to read it and do the assignments with another person. We call this person your Grace partner. Having a Grace partner increases the effectiveness of your learning by many degrees. This person can read the book and do the exercises with you. Our experience is that both of you will grow in your respective faith journeys. You can help each other with questions that arise. You can offer each other moral support when life gets rough. Reminding each other about what you have learned helps to hone the new skills you are learning. No one intends the Christian walk to be a solitary one. It is in other people that we practice and live our faith. It is where we meet God in the most profound depths of our existence. Grace partners help to share your most profound and intimate moments. This is a way for both of you to be in God’s presence. The Bible tells us that we only need one other person to come face to face with God. One of life’s greatest moments is experiencing the joy of helping another person grow in the grace of Christ.